Hey there, Nahrin

Diary of Ophelia


Dear Nahrin,

First of all, why? why did you do that?
How? How did you have the courage to do it?
How does it feel to be gone? Is your spirit wandering about?
Can you see me? Can you please comfort your dad? He is going insane, blame his love for you.

I still remember the day I saw you standing with your guy in the corner of a pharmacy with chocolates in your right hand. I remember you telling him to go, so that you could join me, Fariha and Riya.

Who would have thought such a lively soul as yours is lifeless?  Family tells me I am the most puerile  but the day I met you after months, I knew it they were wrong.
How could you fall under his traps? When did you go this blind?
With a blink of an eye, we all lost you..
Do you remember the time api when you used to sneak Dhrubo's toys and give them to me? ha!
that's another moment trapped in time. Funny, how I had already planned for your wedding next year. Who knew there wouldn't be next year... who knew that was the last me seeing you.

Api, why did you leave? why? Your dad; uncle is going insane. How could you leave him at this stage of his life? I know you couldn't hold on.. but.

Just got the news of  you getting buried. I wonder how it feels to be under the earth... isolated from all..
Even though I am far far away from you, I can picture you with your eyes closed, wrapped in white cloth, mind and heart turned off, lying peacefully

If the boy is the reason for your death...I curse him... Curse him for what he did to you and your family. Curse him for taking away a little girl from her father..

You were loved and will be loved. I am sorry we failed you...It's a brutal world,api.  You had so much to live but I hope the heartache of your mind is silenced. You will be lost inside our memories. Like an old photograph we will retrieve  you from an old drawer or shelf years later. You played your role. Gave us all the happiness, gave us what you could but I am sorry we couldn't.
If you are reading this api...
Is it too late to wake you up now?
We love you... We are sorry...Forgive the naive..

My unstable soul

Diary of Ophelia


Why do I go so unstable at times? One minute I am fine and the next moment my world is breaking apart and I don't have a reason why.
 The odd one; my home doesn't feel "my" at times..metaphorically.
What of a fool am I to expect people to know what's wrong with me behind my smile, my laugh, my jokes and my "I don't care" attitude. And ask my why do I try to pull an "I don't care" attitude? Because no one takes a person with too much care and concern much seriously when they get used to the care and it becomes a daily routine.
 What's more stupid is that I myself don't know what's wrong with me, how do I expect anyone else to know then?

At times like this, what I think is that my little soul takes a break from my body and is out for a walk; and my body is left feeling empty and isolated. Reminiscing it's lonely times with the joyful, carefree, ludicrous thoughts.
And when this happens, I try to run away mentally from all... Run away to a place far away from all.
A place away from the busy lives filled with  noises and chattering of people who are way too busy untying the knot of difficulties of their lives.

With Green Day or Guns N' Roses, or  any other soft rock music in the background; I shut my eyes and run to my cliff  with a tiny cottage on it's edge. The noises of the waves are fighting against each other and the force of the winds who are racing one another... and then there is me. Me; standing near the edge looking down towards the mighty waves while the winds brushes my hair behind making me feel like a savior in a melodramatic movie. Later at night, I stargaze and cry, for it does make me feel better. I explore my cliff till my find my patronus, after that I wander. I will wander till I find my temporary map.

Sometimes I am better lost than be seen.

Ashes

Diary of Ophelia
Part:4

Sorry I couldn't keep up to my promise. But you know me right? No matter what, I will always return to you, will always feel the comfort in writing to you, will always want you to listen. Here I am back today.

There are some questions which I'm unable to answer. These are questions which are asked by myself and I tired searching for the answers but of course Ophelia can never come up with a right answer or decision, The decisions and the answers taken by her are always called on trails in courtroom created by all the shades of her. So my dear diary, help me think.

What is the point in creating something beautiful when you know you won't be able to keep this beautiful thing?
Something so infinity big and infinity beautiful, so full of life and joy that fills  the void in you through good and bad by its presence that you would never want it to leave... But the manual of this beautiful thing comes with a contract; with  the instructions of loving it, growing it, making it strong everyday, trusting it, calling it your own, being proud of it, being with it through light and dark, helping it, caring it,etc... But after a specific period of time, when it's time reaches to null... To throw it... Throwing it far away and forgetting it forever and never call it your own again; to obliviate it...

What will you do? How will you do? How can one just forget and move one? What is the point of creating it when at the end you know you will be hurt by the undying memories of the dead? Should you risk your emotions and create it? What should one do? I don't know diary, I am lost and afraid  with these questions.

Afraid to be loved and to love.
Afraid of the changes happening with the passing of seconds.
Afraid of losing the beautiful thing after all the hard work and pain and joy of creating it.
Afraid of the memories that will haunt me with every moment of my life.
Afraid of creating something beautiful again... Just to burn it to ashes.

When Charlie left

Diary of Ophelia

Part 3 

So, Ophelia is a little sad today... not upset but a little sad.

Charlie is in airport right now. He is going to his place for vacation and will return on 19th August. I surely will miss him. Now that he is gone, I wont have anyone  to talk to for a while. Yeah, I know I have other friends too but its the not the same.I have different kinds of friends and I have communicated with them differently matching up the personalities (If that makes sense). 

My relation with Charlie is unique. He is all the personalities in one and I am a whole me when I am with him.

So I decided, to stay away from away from the social media till he returns. It will be like a break. For a while, I want to talk to myself and spend more time with Ophelia.. 

Too much of everything is harmful, too much of social media is definitely harmful. I want to be independent of it. So, till 19th, its only Ophelia time (unless Charlie messages me).

I will surely miss Charlie but him being gone for some days will teach me his value and his worth in my life. 

Sometimes, we human beings forget the value of an individual in our life. We at times the difference a person has in our life. So in times like this, we gotta remind ourselves! 

Till 19th August, I want a change in me... I dont exactly know what, but I want a good change. I want to disappear, disappear temporarily; and return back with a much improved Ophelia.

Dont worry Diary, I wont stop writing to you.

To Charlie,

If you are reading this Charlie, I will miss you a lot and I hope you learn more about life from this trip and of course have fun too. And oh! Do not forget what I told you. Come back safe and sound so that you and Ophelia can take over the world in your own world... till then au revoir! 

The time when Ophelia is bombarded with thoughts.

Part 2

Hello Diary,

I am bombarded with thoughts right now. I dont even know how and with what to begin with.

How would it be to fall in love with your best friend since 9th grade? And how would it be to actually write a book based on it?  I have some of the most imperfectly perfect friends in  my life and I am so thankful for them and writing a book about it all would be imperfectly perfect too.

I want to. I want to write down all the moments of my life so that one day when i put them together, it will make a beautiful story  I want to do so much but I feel so little so do all that.

Anyway, Did you ever felt this thing where sometimes being happy for a quite a long time feels wrong, so you force yourself t cry. I asked one of my friend about it. The answer which he me gave me was satisfying. He told me " Its odd but its comforting." Somehow his reply gave me the answer for my question to why it feels wrong to always be happy. 

Maybe being sad is comforting at times.

 A little note about this particular friend..  He thinks.. he thinks and he wonders which fascinates me. People who think are very interesting to me. 

Also, I would have told you today about that special 9th grade person but lets keep that for some other day. A part of me wants to keep him a secret from you too, diary. 

Last thing diary, I will try to write everyday from today onward.

One little note of praise

I am currently filled with happiness which I honestly do not know how to explain.

Let me explain what actually happened. I have made an Instagram page named " Arbitrary_us" where I post pictures with a little caption underneath. I linked my blog in the bio hoping for someone to read. To be honest, I didn't really had the slightest imagination of someone actually taking their precious time to read my newly made blog..

https://www.instagram.com/arbitrary_us/?hl=en


But I was wrong, someone actually read my blog. She read my blog and took the time to message me praising my blog... Words can't explain how happy this person whom I have never met made me.

Can you see the power of  words?  Just a little note of praise or appreciation can becomes your candle in the dark. How beautiful the world would have become if we started appreciating others more. Not that the world is ugly no; It's still beautiful. But we have got so caught up in our busy lives that we forget  to appreciate the people around us. We forget to show love and care to the people next to us and search for love in wrong places.




Smiling at a passer passing by next to us, leaving tiny notes of appreciation, taking time to just listen to someone, letting people know you actually are there for them, also not to forget reading someone's blog and taking the time to praise their writing is enough to make someone's worst days into the best day <3.                                                                    



Here is the link to this kind human being who made my day today. She clicks beautiful pictures
https://www.instagram.com/alaagizemalshahabi/?hl=en
 and also write beautiful thoughts of her
http://yazargizem.blogspot.com/

This human being needs to be appreciated for her little act of kindess :)

Why Do You Read?

 26/5/2016


I ask myself " Why do you read?"
 From what I know is that people read to improve vocabulary, grammar,communication skills, creativity, imagination and bla da bla de bla.

I figured out why I read..well maybe. Its not for improving anything. Its the fact I feel lonely most of the time and reading makes me believe I have people...well fictional people thats what they are called.


Being the only child has always been a problem for me and probably will to be... I do have friends to whom I open up but to whom will I go when I need a shoulder to cry at the middle of the night? To whom will I go when my timid soul would want to feel a brotherly protectiveness? To whom will  go when all my friends are busy and I need to complain about it? Whom will I annoy to the most extent?


I always get the tiny bitter ache in my heart  when I see any siblings together... and then I am left with the desire of having a big brother so that I could hide under his protection or a small sister or brother whom I could protect.

 I was not a kid who wold come home and tell my parents all what happened in school, well I still am not that kind. Maybe its because of the fact  my parents had always been busy. I have trouble opening up but when I do, it always goes  the wrong path and I choose to keep all my stories within me.

I see families where the child is very close to their parents. I hear people when they tell me stories of them and their parents and how close and dear they are to each other..

There I so wish all my wishes.
" I wish I was as free with my mom. I wish I could tell them my secret. I wish they knew what was happening inside my head. I wish I could tell them I am upset and many more wishes..

How do I explain you when I tell that these fictional people in my books are less frictional than the non fictional people in this real world.
 
Many a times the stories I read has moms and dads and many a times, I feel they are my parents.. or maybe wish they were..
These fictional characters have become a very important part of my life. I love them and they love me, I talk to them and they talk to me, I tell them how I feel and they tell me "hey you are not alone, we are with you. We understand you and we are here to help and we will love you till the very end." They don't  judge me. They know how I feel.  They can see the potential in me when everyone can see absolute blank in me. They believe in me more than I believe in myself. Maybe I am imagining too much now..
Sometimes, it feels like I know them since i was very little and will continue to grow up with them.

Whatever it is, they are the best family I have.


Ophelia..

Diary of Ophelia

(Part 1)

Ophelia, a girl who is in a adventure of finding herself. She is a beautiful girl.Ophelia  is a kind of girl who hides her emotions because of the fear that people might call her an attention seeker. But she knows that if she tries to explain her emotions people wont understand and she knows that no one would actually care about her emotions. But she is filled with emotions and thoughts and they suffocates her everyday. She wishes if she could stop them but she is helpless. 

Ophelia is in madly love with the ocean, though she doesn't know how to swim but aren't we all afraid of the things we love? The things we love can kill us in the most hurtful way possible because we love them. 

The more she knows about the world and the more she wishes she didn't. She tries to find happiness and she does find them, but... only for temporary. The happiness just slips away from her hand like a slimy little jelly fish. She tries to hold it but it slips away. She gets it back though but again it goes away.

(The name Ophelia is a Greek baby name. In Greek the meaning of the name Ophelia is: Help. Serpentine. In Shakespeare's 'Hamlet', Ophelia was the lover of Hamlet who went insane as a result of his irrational behavior.)

The Souls of Abandoned Places

Abandoned; having been deserted or left. The fact that they are left makes them strangely interesting and beautiful. Why are these old, abandoned, rusted places beautiful?

Not everyone finds them beautiful. Some finds them to be creepy, scary, ugly and tends to keep themselves away from these places. Yes, they do give me the fright but more than the creep me, they fascinates me.

Abandoned factory halls, hospitals,school,buildings, abandoned cities and towns left behind... the peace that radiates from such places makes it so welcoming for some.

The sight of an old,abandoned car in the woods rusted, damaged with plants growing out of every corner of it could fill you with a sense of sadness and loneliness. The thought that this particular car used to be driven around to different places by its owner daces ago and now its left behind abandoned and its owner dead and gone rotten in the soil. 

                                     

Once upon a time, people walked through these places, touched them and felt them with their skin and now these are just mere memories. Every bit of these beautiful ancient abandoned places were filled with laughter and joy or screams and cries and now its a place filled with lost souls wondering around desperate to be touched or to touch the things that are left untouched for decades. It gives me shivers to think about them.

 The decay of these human made objects and the reclaim by the nature can cause a sense of solitude and makes you rethink about life around us. The way nature takes back what belongs to them and how temporary we are to them.

Of course, new things are lovely, but are not filled with souls as old, rusted objects. New objects doesn't have stories within but with time they fill themselves with stories. 

Imagine walking through the woods and finding an old building isolated from the rest of the world. As you go in, you can see the paint is chipping off the walls. All the windows are partially broken and plants are reaching out through every empty holes with wicked and skeleton like branches.

Such a sight in the middle of nowhere with no other visible human civilization around is going to fill you with questions and spark your imagination.

What kind of people were here? what were their individual stories? why was this abandoned and left to decay? Why was it build here? Where are the people now? Can they see me?

There is something eerily beautiful about abandoned places and lost traces of humanity. Though they gives the creeps but I am absolutely fascinated by them.

On Being Average

Being an average is sucks!
Myself is an average student and I hate being average. Not that I am a competitive person but the fact that people judge me because of my grades is terrible. Now the problem with average kids is that, when average kids ace an exam people assumes it was because of cheating.

Story time!

In one of my biology test, I got 9.5 out of 10 and I was happy with it of course. Now I have this girl in class who aces all her exams and tests, literally ALL! Lets call her "Kingfisher". 

Now Kingfisher comes to me and the following conversation happens

Kingfisher: Hey, heard that you got 9.5.

Me: oh  yeah, I did. 

Kingfisher: Probably cheated right?! 

Me: what no! * In my mind* HOW DARE YOU LITTLE TWAT!

So yeah, that's one of the problem. The second what I noticed is that when you get good marks, it lasts for two or three days but when you get a bad grade, that's it! People seal you with the label " A bad student who fails all her/his tests".

why do they always have to focus on the bad grades and make the person feel like a loser when evo the person clearly knows that he or she aint a loser!

Just because someone  has bad grades doesn't mean  they are loser. And school needs to stop being such judgement pricks! 

Being an average; you are neither a loser nor a winner. I think if one is a loser. must master in being a loser and if a winner must master it too. But an average is unnoticeable.