Trapped

"Etertain my faith"
branches bending to greet me, to whisper me isn't helping.
entertain my faith, i don't know how but it must be done.
is it you who's meant to do it? or is it me?
do i need to go away to the clouds to find myself?
the world is free but I'm trapped.
My words gibberish
my mind chaotic
my thoughts suicidal.
my body numb
my faith drooping low.
my music revolutionary lifeless body is what I am now.
I need to take control on my faith.
i need to take the keys from all of them
must drive my own self before they crash me and leave me on the hospital bed.
The breeze is lovely, the birds sings lovely, the trees are dancing. they want me to join.
Don't they know its rude to mock the paralyzed?
I will show them how to live freely but i need to get out of the cage.
when is it all going change
i think its high time i take a gun and good the culprit of this.
shoot it loud and hard and feel no regret but a pleasure
make a mess of the mess thats been haunting me
did i tell you i can run? i can run good and far.
dont trigger it
i will if my guts are fillled with adrenaline and anger
dont dare me
i can take a red rose and kill it with the scribbles and chaos of my mind.
you must not come close to me
stay away
Im loosing my faith and you better stay away
i lost my halo, i dont know where you are
my faith is dripping like blood after one takes a knife and slits the throat.

Hey there, Nahrin

Diary of Ophelia


Dear Nahrin,

First of all, why? why did you do that?
How? How did you have the courage to do it?
How does it feel to be gone? Is your spirit wandering about?
Can you see me? Can you please comfort your dad? He is going insane, blame his love for you.

I still remember the day I saw you standing with your guy in the corner of a pharmacy with chocolates in your right hand. I remember you telling him to go, so that you could join me, Fariha and Riya.

Who would have thought such a lively soul as yours is lifeless?  Family tells me I am the most puerile  but the day I met you after months, I knew it they were wrong.
How could you fall under his traps? When did you go this blind?
With a blink of an eye, we all lost you..
Do you remember the time api when you used to sneak Dhrubo's toys and give them to me? ha!
that's another moment trapped in time. Funny, how I had already planned for your wedding next year. Who knew there wouldn't be next year... who knew that was the last me seeing you.

Api, why did you leave? why? Your dad; uncle is going insane. How could you leave him at this stage of his life? I know you couldn't hold on.. but.

Just got the news of  you getting buried. I wonder how it feels to be under the earth... isolated from all..
Even though I am far far away from you, I can picture you with your eyes closed, wrapped in white cloth, mind and heart turned off, lying peacefully

If the boy is the reason for your death...I curse him... Curse him for what he did to you and your family. Curse him for taking away a little girl from her father..

You were loved and will be loved. I am sorry we failed you...It's a brutal world,api.  You had so much to live but I hope the heartache of your mind is silenced. You will be lost inside our memories. Like an old photograph we will retrieve  you from an old drawer or shelf years later. You played your role. Gave us all the happiness, gave us what you could but I am sorry we couldn't.
If you are reading this api...
Is it too late to wake you up now?
We love you... We are sorry...Forgive the naive..

My unstable soul

Diary of Ophelia


Why do I go so unstable at times? One minute I am fine and the next moment my world is breaking apart and I don't have a reason why.
 The odd one; my home doesn't feel "my" at times..metaphorically.
What of a fool am I to expect people to know what's wrong with me behind my smile, my laugh, my jokes and my "I don't care" attitude. And ask my why do I try to pull an "I don't care" attitude? Because no one takes a person with too much care and concern much seriously when they get used to the care and it becomes a daily routine.
 What's more stupid is that I myself don't know what's wrong with me, how do I expect anyone else to know then?

At times like this, what I think is that my little soul takes a break from my body and is out for a walk; and my body is left feeling empty and isolated. Reminiscing it's lonely times with the joyful, carefree, ludicrous thoughts.
And when this happens, I try to run away mentally from all... Run away to a place far away from all.
A place away from the busy lives filled with  noises and chattering of people who are way too busy untying the knot of difficulties of their lives.

With Green Day or Guns N' Roses, or  any other soft rock music in the background; I shut my eyes and run to my cliff  with a tiny cottage on it's edge. The noises of the waves are fighting against each other and the force of the winds who are racing one another... and then there is me. Me; standing near the edge looking down towards the mighty waves while the winds brushes my hair behind making me feel like a savior in a melodramatic movie. Later at night, I stargaze and cry, for it does make me feel better. I explore my cliff till my find my patronus, after that I wander. I will wander till I find my temporary map.

Sometimes I am better lost than be seen.

Ashes

Diary of Ophelia
Part:4

Sorry I couldn't keep up to my promise. But you know me right? No matter what, I will always return to you, will always feel the comfort in writing to you, will always want you to listen. Here I am back today.

There are some questions which I'm unable to answer. These are questions which are asked by myself and I tired searching for the answers but of course Ophelia can never come up with a right answer or decision, The decisions and the answers taken by her are always called on trails in courtroom created by all the shades of her. So my dear diary, help me think.

What is the point in creating something beautiful when you know you won't be able to keep this beautiful thing?
Something so infinity big and infinity beautiful, so full of life and joy that fills  the void in you through good and bad by its presence that you would never want it to leave... But the manual of this beautiful thing comes with a contract; with  the instructions of loving it, growing it, making it strong everyday, trusting it, calling it your own, being proud of it, being with it through light and dark, helping it, caring it,etc... But after a specific period of time, when it's time reaches to null... To throw it... Throwing it far away and forgetting it forever and never call it your own again; to obliviate it...

What will you do? How will you do? How can one just forget and move one? What is the point of creating it when at the end you know you will be hurt by the undying memories of the dead? Should you risk your emotions and create it? What should one do? I don't know diary, I am lost and afraid  with these questions.

Afraid to be loved and to love.
Afraid of the changes happening with the passing of seconds.
Afraid of losing the beautiful thing after all the hard work and pain and joy of creating it.
Afraid of the memories that will haunt me with every moment of my life.
Afraid of creating something beautiful again... Just to burn it to ashes.

When Charlie left

Diary of Ophelia

Part 3 

So, Ophelia is a little sad today... not upset but a little sad.

Charlie is in airport right now. He is going to his place for vacation and will return on 19th August. I surely will miss him. Now that he is gone, I wont have anyone  to talk to for a while. Yeah, I know I have other friends too but its the not the same.I have different kinds of friends and I have communicated with them differently matching up the personalities (If that makes sense). 

My relation with Charlie is unique. He is all the personalities in one and I am a whole me when I am with him.

So I decided, to stay away from away from the social media till he returns. It will be like a break. For a while, I want to talk to myself and spend more time with Ophelia.. 

Too much of everything is harmful, too much of social media is definitely harmful. I want to be independent of it. So, till 19th, its only Ophelia time (unless Charlie messages me).

I will surely miss Charlie but him being gone for some days will teach me his value and his worth in my life. 

Sometimes, we human beings forget the value of an individual in our life. We at times the difference a person has in our life. So in times like this, we gotta remind ourselves! 

Till 19th August, I want a change in me... I dont exactly know what, but I want a good change. I want to disappear, disappear temporarily; and return back with a much improved Ophelia.

Dont worry Diary, I wont stop writing to you.

To Charlie,

If you are reading this Charlie, I will miss you a lot and I hope you learn more about life from this trip and of course have fun too. And oh! Do not forget what I told you. Come back safe and sound so that you and Ophelia can take over the world in your own world... till then au revoir! 

The time when Ophelia is bombarded with thoughts.

Part 2

Hello Diary,

I am bombarded with thoughts right now. I dont even know how and with what to begin with.

How would it be to fall in love with your best friend since 9th grade? And how would it be to actually write a book based on it?  I have some of the most imperfectly perfect friends in  my life and I am so thankful for them and writing a book about it all would be imperfectly perfect too.

I want to. I want to write down all the moments of my life so that one day when i put them together, it will make a beautiful story  I want to do so much but I feel so little so do all that.

Anyway, Did you ever felt this thing where sometimes being happy for a quite a long time feels wrong, so you force yourself t cry. I asked one of my friend about it. The answer which he me gave me was satisfying. He told me " Its odd but its comforting." Somehow his reply gave me the answer for my question to why it feels wrong to always be happy. 

Maybe being sad is comforting at times.

 A little note about this particular friend..  He thinks.. he thinks and he wonders which fascinates me. People who think are very interesting to me. 

Also, I would have told you today about that special 9th grade person but lets keep that for some other day. A part of me wants to keep him a secret from you too, diary. 

Last thing diary, I will try to write everyday from today onward.

One little note of praise

I am currently filled with happiness which I honestly do not know how to explain.

Let me explain what actually happened. I have made an Instagram page named " Arbitrary_us" where I post pictures with a little caption underneath. I linked my blog in the bio hoping for someone to read. To be honest, I didn't really had the slightest imagination of someone actually taking their precious time to read my newly made blog..

https://www.instagram.com/arbitrary_us/?hl=en


But I was wrong, someone actually read my blog. She read my blog and took the time to message me praising my blog... Words can't explain how happy this person whom I have never met made me.

Can you see the power of  words?  Just a little note of praise or appreciation can becomes your candle in the dark. How beautiful the world would have become if we started appreciating others more. Not that the world is ugly no; It's still beautiful. But we have got so caught up in our busy lives that we forget  to appreciate the people around us. We forget to show love and care to the people next to us and search for love in wrong places.




Smiling at a passer passing by next to us, leaving tiny notes of appreciation, taking time to just listen to someone, letting people know you actually are there for them, also not to forget reading someone's blog and taking the time to praise their writing is enough to make someone's worst days into the best day <3.                                                                    



Here is the link to this kind human being who made my day today. She clicks beautiful pictures
https://www.instagram.com/alaagizemalshahabi/?hl=en
 and also write beautiful thoughts of her
http://yazargizem.blogspot.com/

This human being needs to be appreciated for her little act of kindess :)